Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Its official

I'm ginormous.

I caught a glimpse of my profile in a window this afternoon and I literally stopped in my tracks. Holy. Crap.

Its not that I havent noticed that I'm growing, or that I havent noticed the way that my clothes (dont) fit, or that I havent seen the numbers on the scale climbing at a steady and scary rate, but until now I'd somehow avoided being caught off guard by my new body.

Wow.

Of course, some women are fortunate. They gain 8 lbs and have a 6lb baby. They look darling in maternity clothes. You cant even tell that they are pregnant unless you look at them sideways. For example, Jennifer Garner is on TV right now. She's a month ahead of me and she looks like she's gained about 7 lbs, all right in the front.

Not me. Not by a longshot!! If my even-more-noticable-than-usual cleavage werent a dead giveaway, my working-hard-to-stay-caught-up-with-the-abdomen thighs and ass are good clues. Ugh. At yoga class on Monday night I had to position myself so that I was nowhere near a mirror. Fortunately, I know most of the positions now and dont have to watch myself in the mirror to check my form, but even if that were the case, I'm sure I'd pretend to look. There is nothing appealing about the pregnant body in yoga gear. And I still have 2+ months to grow! This is not going to be pretty....

Of course, I'm just vain enough to be worried more about the first few weeks/months after I have the baby when I cant use the "I'm pregnant" excuse anymore for how shitty I look. I guess the only good thing about being housebound with a newborn in the Winter is avoiding having to appear in public looking still-pregnant!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Wow. Only 2 more weeks of my 2nd trimester. Wait. Can that be right???

This really has been both the fastest and slowest 6 months of my life. Sometimes it seems like just a few days ago that I was sharing my news with family, and now, not only does everyone know, but complete strangers are on to me. Its disturbing, actually, to have such a very personal part of one's life become so very public.

Speaking of which.... I was convinced that Evil Secretary didnt know that I was knocked up and that she was just glaring at me constantly, disgusted by how I'd let myself go. I thought that this was the case primarily because I hadnt told her, and because she said NOTHING to me about it. Well, turns out I was WRONG and that she is just an evil witch (and not in a good way). Last week she asked why I looked so tired and when I replied, "I havent been sleeping comfortably for a while now" she launched into a long "when I was pregnant, here's what I went through" diatribe. Not only unhelpful, but another missed opportunity to say, "Oh, by the way, Congratulations."

Listen. I'm not the kind of person who expects people to fall all over themselves for me. Quite the contrary... I work hard to AVOID being the center of attention and I've been having lots of fun anxiety responses to unwelcome attention during this pregnancy. But I just find it odd, and vaguely unkind, to shirk basic social norms like acknowledging when someone has another person growing inside of them--especially when it is for the first time.

Oh, and Even Eviler Secretary is doing the same thing. Pretty much ignoring me. Chair has theorized that she is somehow resentful of women of child-bearing age since she is going through menopause. She has been openly hostile and actually tried to sabotage the maternity leave agreement of one of my colleagues last year--not kidding! So I guess that I'm not all that surprised that she's acting this way.

You know? Come to think of it... there are several people at work who've yet to acknowledge that I'm as big as a condo, or to acknowledge why. Could be a cultural thing--people in this part of the country are notoriously unfriendly.

Ugh. Not going to waste any more energy speculating on why the people at work are so damn strange....

Sunday, September 04, 2005

I Hope He Sleeps This Much When He's Living In My House Instead of In My Body

They, you know, the "so-called experts," say that you can start to feel the baby moving anywhere between about 16 and about 20 weeks. It starts off subtle and it is hard to differentiate between movement and hunger pangs, etc., but the past few weeks have been pretty exciting for me because he's moving a lot. The only problem is that he doesnt move constantly, and each day is a little different than the one before. Some days, he seems to be awake a lot and I feel the kicks (punches? elbows?) all the time. Others, and especially lately, he seems to sleep a LOT and kick me intermittently.

It drives me insane. I am a somewhat anxious person anyway, and even though I have absolutely no reason to think that anything could possibly go wrong, I still wonder where the hell he went or what the hell he is doing when he is quiet for long periods of time. Or when my usual tricks to get him moving fail (such as drinking OJ or very, very cold water) or take too long. Today, i swear that I didnt feel him moving until nearly 11am and when he finally did, I actually relaxed for the first time all day.

I've read a lot about this, and even my Dr says to expect some variation depending on any number of factors (such as the position he is in, or the time of day, or how active he was yesterday, etc., etc.), but its amazing how much it really messes with your sanity when that little person inside of you suddenly seems awfully still. He's only 12" long and weighs only about a pound, and he is completely protected from the risky outside world but he's already got me worried to death about his safety.

Yeah. So, I hear this only gets worse when they get out....