Sex on the brain

I know that I'm not supposed to care about the sex of my baby. When people ask, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" I know that I'm supposed to reply, "It doesnt matter as long as its healthy" or something like that. But sometimes I DO care. I'm obsessed lately with wondering about the sex of my baby. Part of this is due to Spouse's inability to remember that it is actually possible that we could have a child without a penis. Spouse refers to the baby as "he" more often than not (sometimes catching himself, or my glance, and then adding "or she"). I, on the other hand, have had a feeling that the baby is a girl since I found out I was pregnant.

The problem, of course, is that we both have different referents. I have 3 younger sisters (and 2 way-younger brothers) and he has 4 younger brothers. I also have 2 sisters with daughters. I think that I assume that the baby is girl because that's always been my reality. Same for Spouse and boys. This is all exacerbated by very silly but very real desires that we both have to have a little one of our same sex to teach things to and to make into a better version of ourselves. As a consequence, I find myself really wanting a girl--for me--and really wanting a boy--for him. The good thing is that whatever happens, someone is going to be ecstatic. But does that also mean that someone is going to be disappointed? I'd like to think not.

I was talking to my cousin about this issue a few days ago and she laughed when she remembered how obnoxious she was about wanting a girl the 2nd time around (she had a son first). But even after the ultrasound tech said she was 80-85% sure that it was a girl, my cousin said that she tried so hard not to get her hopes up. Sure, she bought a TON of girl clothes, but she kept all of the receipts. She said she also tried VERY hard not to think about the baby in gendered-ways (whatever that means?!) and tried not to refer to the baby as a "girl" just in case. I asked her why she was so reluctant? Was it because she was worried about being sad or disappointed if it was a boy? She said sure, a little bit. But she also confessed that one night she was thinking about the consequences of imagining her baby as a girl if it was really a boy, and she thought (if only for a split second), "I wonder if that's how gay people are made?"