The baby is definitely moving around right now.... Whoa.

At my 16w appt I asked the Dr to describe what it would feel like, because I was pretty certain that I'd been feeling something for about a week. He sort of laughed and patted me on the head (figuratively) and said, "Oh, now... that's probably just your stomach growling. Its a little early for that." He's sort of talked down to me before, but this really irritated me.

Cant wait to tell him to piss off on Tuesday. This is DEFINITELY what I was feeling then, only stronger. Wow, baby. You're going to be one hell of a dancer.

Nursery Progress

We've gotten a LOT accomplished on the up-to-now-nonexistant nursery. Here's the latest.

Shower

I visited my family last week and because they dont expect to see me again until after the baby is born, they organized a baby shower for me. They invited about 40 family members and friends--very traditional, all women. Tons of food, tons of cake, tons of gifts. Only a few "games" (thank GOD), and even those were actually not horrible. My favorite was "baby jeopardy" that my sister made up, with categories like "celebrity moms" and "growth and development." It was TOO cute.

I left with lots of sleepers and onesies and socks and receiving blankets. A few toys, the baby monitor we registered for. Lots of cash and giftcards. My mom and sisters bought us the stroller/travel system that we wanted (actually, gave us a GC for exactly the amount with a note specifying what we were to use it for). Everything is still in the box that we packed it in, waiting for the completion of the nursery so that we have somewhere to put it all! Oh, and when we got home, there were 3 more gifts waiting: some of the nursery bedding, a box of baby clothes, and a vibrating chair--the very one made famous by that episode of Sex and the City. Remembering the episode, Spouse casually suggested that we skip the chair and just buy the baby a vibrator....

As much as I love the stuff--and I do love the stuff--i cant help but feel a little freaked out by all of it. It just feels a bit premature to have all of this at 5 months. I said this (quietly) to my favorite cousin and my grandmother, and my grandmother said that it used to be considered bad luck to buy things for a baby before it was born. That was comforting, Grandma! Actually, though I'm not superstitious per se, I think that might have been what i was feeling... like maybe it was risky to plan this far ahead....

I also wonder if that feeling every really goes away? Maybe when you get down to just a few weeks before your due date? When you can feel the baby all the time and his/her existance is never very far from your consciousness?

Or maybe when the nursery has walls and doors. Maybe THAT is when you feel safe to assume that this is really going to happen the way that its supposed to happen....

I'm going to SCREAM...

I hear one more person say...

"Just wait... you'll see!"

-or-

"It wont be long before your life is over, too!"

-or-

"Yeah, you wont be doing [insert ANY remotely interesting activity here] much longer."

Listen, people. I know a LOT OF moms and dads who have GREAT lives with and WITHOUT their kids. Sure, things change a lot--I KNOW THAT--but give me freakin' break! Just because YOU went off the deep end when you had kids and forgot that there is a whole great, wide, wonderful world out there that has nothing whatsoever to do with babies doesnt mean that EVERYONE does... or that I WILL. LEAVE ME OUT OF IT!*

Ok... ok..... This is really directed at about 6 specific people, not the rest of you. I'm just trying VERY hard not to scream at them until its absolutely necessary. Two in particular are women who really have lost it since they've had kids. By "lost it" I mean, for example, that they are incapable of having conversations about ANYTHING else. Both of these women have zero prior experience with kids (no sibs, no cousins to speak of, not really babysitters, etc.) so maybe this is, in part, a "novelty" thing. I know, too, that one of them had a pretty unrealistic/idealistic picture of what parenthood would be like (think "Stepford Mom") and her comments to me are motivated by sheer shock....

I'm not cavalier about this. I'm not under the assumption that I know exactly what will happen and how to handle it... I'm just not going to panic. Why are they trying to MAKE ME?


Oh, and perhaps the BEST comment of the weekend was a woman who said to me (after a very trying day with her children), "If you'd asked me today, I'd have told you NOT to have kids...." Um... thanks? but its a little late for that now... (even if I werent pregnant I'd be seriously annoyed by this).

The whole world is knocked up with me.

I just found out that 2 more of my friends are pregnant. That makes a grand total of 5 women that I know well, including me. I know 2 more who are working on it. I realize that I'm smack in the middle of my prime childbearing years, but WOW, its a freakin' epidemic!

Some Things that Suck at 16 Weeks

1. Showing with my clothes off, but with them on it just looks like I've gained some weight. I'd rather just get it over with and LOOK pregnant. On a related note, not really ready for maternity clothes, but quickly outgrowing some reg clothes.
   
2. Time to tell work is fast approaching. A new Dept Chair takes over in a few weeks, so I'll probably wait for that. I'm the only woman in my Dept without kids, and I have this feeling that after I tell work, I'll never again be able to have a conversation with those people about anything else. THEY WONT LET ME.
3. Annoying colleague is offering more pregnancy advice--this time about the 2nd trimester (Eat less! Exercise more! Get the nursery ready because you'll be too tired later! Work like a dog now because you wont work at all next trimester!)
4. Endurance is getting worse. My 5 mile walk with the dogs yesterday took a LOT longer than usual and I noticed myself getting tired much sooner. I really hope that its all in my head
5. Starving all. the. time. WTF? Why do I feel like I have to eat every hour or die??
6. Ive been dreaming about wine and cigarettes. And heroin (though I've never tried it, apparently I have a subconscious desire to watch my husband try it).
   

NOT in the club

I'm becoming increasing less interested in being around children, including babies, and in talking to other pregnant women about being pregnant. I'm also disinterested in places like Babies R Us and web sites devoted entirely to pregnancy and childbirth.

I'm not anti-babies, or pregnant women, or even baby-related information. I just dont feel the need to surround myself with all of it right now. I have friends who did nothing but watch A Baby Story while shopping online for baby shit. One friend did this for months, starting when she was about 3 months pregnant. No thanks. I've actually been harrassed by some women at work because I dont seem "in to this" enough. This, of course, leaves me thinking (a) what in the hell does that mean, and (b) what business is it of yours anyway, jackass?!

I DO think about being pregnant, and I do think about having a baby around. It occupies lots of my time, actually. I'm even excited about some of the stuff (in particular the stroller). I'm just not obsessing like some people think that I should be and that's just FINE with ME.

Sex on the brain

I know that I'm not supposed to care about the sex of my baby. When people ask, "Do you want a boy or a girl?" I know that I'm supposed to reply, "It doesnt matter as long as its healthy" or something like that. But sometimes I DO care. I'm obsessed lately with wondering about the sex of my baby. Part of this is due to Spouse's inability to remember that it is actually possible that we could have a child without a penis. Spouse refers to the baby as "he" more often than not (sometimes catching himself, or my glance, and then adding "or she"). I, on the other hand, have had a feeling that the baby is a girl since I found out I was pregnant.

The problem, of course, is that we both have different referents. I have 3 younger sisters (and 2 way-younger brothers) and he has 4 younger brothers. I also have 2 sisters with daughters. I think that I assume that the baby is girl because that's always been my reality. Same for Spouse and boys. This is all exacerbated by very silly but very real desires that we both have to have a little one of our same sex to teach things to and to make into a better version of ourselves. As a consequence, I find myself really wanting a girl--for me--and really wanting a boy--for him. The good thing is that whatever happens, someone is going to be ecstatic. But does that also mean that someone is going to be disappointed? I'd like to think not.

I was talking to my cousin about this issue a few days ago and she laughed when she remembered how obnoxious she was about wanting a girl the 2nd time around (she had a son first). But even after the ultrasound tech said she was 80-85% sure that it was a girl, my cousin said that she tried so hard not to get her hopes up. Sure, she bought a TON of girl clothes, but she kept all of the receipts. She said she also tried VERY hard not to think about the baby in gendered-ways (whatever that means?!) and tried not to refer to the baby as a "girl" just in case. I asked her why she was so reluctant? Was it because she was worried about being sad or disappointed if it was a boy? She said sure, a little bit. But she also confessed that one night she was thinking about the consequences of imagining her baby as a girl if it was really a boy, and she thought (if only for a split second), "I wonder if that's how gay people are made?"

Things I'm Freaking Out About Off and On, Part 2

My other babies--this is a big one. We have a VERY special relationship with our dogs. They sleep in our room (sometimes under the covers with us); they go to doggie daycare twice a week; they go to playgroup on saturdays; they eat premium dogfoods that are healthier and costs more than most meals that we eat. In addition, we have a general "they are part of our little family" attitude. For example, we talk about them at dinner and catch each other up on what the dogs did that day. We re-tell funny stories about the crazy things that the dogs have done, etc.

I've known other couples who've had relationships like this with their pets. That is, until the kids came along. My sister and her husband doted on their mini schnauzer until the day my niece came home. After that, they not only started ignoring the poor dog, they actually talk now about how they're grateful that she's 11 and wont be alive much longer. And they complain constantly about how her poor eyesight makes her messy with her food, or about how her muddy feet are unacceptable now that the kids are walking on the carpet, too. That dog was treated like a princess, and now.... It is nearly the same with one of my friends who has 2 dogs and a new baby. No more walks, some love but no more spoiling. Barely any attention. When I see her dogs, they are insanely needy. They beg for attention.

I know that for non-dog people this may seem trivial. But for those of us who really do count our animals as members of the family, this really is heartbreaking. I love my puppies. I worry about them. I spend a fortune to make sure that they are healthy and happy. I comfort them when they are sad or scared or sick, and they do the same for me. The thought of them wandering around the house, ignored for days on end, is so upsetting.